Where to begin, It started around Christmas with an in box from a name I knew along time ago. A cousin from my fathers side of the family said they wanted to get to know me. Here several months later I am faced with a dilemma I knew I would come to face all my life. I'm in the process of getting to know my father for the first time in memory. I am 36.
With going back to school being an issue, along the expecting of a new baby, this comes as an added stress I never considered at this time in life. I had already given up years ago. I carried a lot of resentment for many years of vain-less searching. Lived with misdirected anger all my life, now that source has met me face to face during an already turbulent time in my life. Years ago I shed the anger and resentment and moved on.
Now here I sit with an opportunity to learn a new level of acceptance as I welcome him and his family into our lives with open arms. I can't help but feel like we are having an Oprah moment.
Is it all just a flash in the pan. Will they stick around after initial introductions are done and over with? Will we all get along? What happens next? So many thoughts and questions. Things that don't belong keep popping up but how do you ignore over 30 years of absence. Its all so confusing.
The internal emotional struggle is very apparent and through deep breathing exercises and visionary type quest for enlightenment have helped aide in keeping the facts and situation straight in my head. But as time for physical meetings approaches , it leaves me leery as to my natural reaction. How to stop the inevitable breakdown. Emotions will be heightened and hard to keep in check. The hardest part will be with being honest without hurting them. Letting go is the solution. Moving forward with an once removed branch of family and hope for the best.